Waxing and Wayne-ing - Part 1

This story will probably not make you laugh. Even Jim Carey tried serious acting once so what the hell. I will still, as always, inject my unique personality into the telling of this tale. The question has been asked “Whatever happened to Wayne from the blog “Setting the Bar Low”? It’s probably not what you expect, but like all my other blogs, this is a true story.

Several months after leaving the bar and Wayne far behind I’m talking to a good friend of mine on the phone (who just happens to be Wayne’s mother) and she tells me that Wayne is temporarily staying at her house because his dad fired him. And since he didn’t have a job his dad also threw him out of the apartment he was renting from him. Nice. Not sure why she was telling me but OK. Then she said he wanted to talk to me for a minute.

Crap, OK……

He asked me how I’ve been, what I’ve been up to. Small talk. I, of course, asked about the girlfriend and he insisted she was gone. After a few minutes of chatting he asked what I was doing for the evening. When I told him nothing he asked to come over. Sure, I’m a sucker, why not? The crazy thing is he came over that night and stayed. For more than two years. Really some of the best two years of my life if I care to admit it. He found another job quickly and we just sort of fell into this rhythm.

After about two months of him staying at my house every night it dawned on me. Shit, I’m living with somebody. I better tell my mother.

I didn’t mean to get into a relationship. After my divorce I vowed to never let a man treat me like the gum on the bottom of his shoe again and I would do that by just not letting another man get close to me. But he opened doors, took out the trash, always put gas in my car, was affectionate, my kids loved him and he lit up like a Christmas tree every time I walked through the door. And yes, eventually, bought me the most beautiful diamond engagement ring I had ever seen. That’s why when he called me one evening on his way from work and told me he wasn’t coming home, ever, I was in total shock. Said he had to find himself and make sure that he was “man enough” to be married and be a step-father. I believed him and let him have his space. What a FOOL I am!

We would talk on the phone from time to time, cry together and he would tell me how much he still loves me. I would tell him to just come home and that we would figure all this out together. But he insisted that he was doing the right thing for “us” and that we needed to stick this out.

Not even two months go by from the time he left when I get a call from a mutual friend. She wanted to know if I had heard the news. What news? Wayne got married over the weekend.

WHAT THE FUCK?

No, I certainly had not heard this news and was none too happy to hear it now. How the hell could this be? I still had ALL his stuff at my house. We still had a checking account together. He was on my car insurance. The cable was still in his name. My head was spinning.

My world just fell apart.

Part 2 to be posted on 12-23-2010.

All Day Suckers

Men are suckers. Don’t get me wrong, women can be too. We’re just suckers for different things. There is a reason one of the bestselling books for years was “Men are from Mars…” Almost all the men I know and most of the ones I don’t can be convinced of almost anything if they think a piece of ass will be involved. Us women? We’re a little more sentimental, but for the most part I think that we’re not as different as we may seem. Sometimes.

For instance, I’m a sucker and I know it. I’ve been told so time and time again. (You know who you are) This gets me thinking. Why as a woman do I settle? Is it because I was once told stories about Prince Charming as a little girl and realized as I got older that he was never going to show up? Maybe, but I’m pretty sure Prince Charming is gay anyway.

My PERFECT vision of a man? Tall, has some meat on his bones, looks fantastic in a pair of jeans AND a cowboy hat, has a goatee that frames his killer smile, knows how to treat a lady in AND outside of the bedroom but is still fits right in with the boys. Let’s also not forget romantic, affectionate, can make me laugh, oh and drives a truck. But do I you think that I have ever dated this guy? NO! And why is that do you ask? Because he doesn’t exist! And if by some miracle he did, he certainly wouldn’t be interested in big women.

So, I settle. And not just for some Joe Schmo down the street. No, I’ve got to search Craig’s List for a guy who is in town for three days and wants me to meet him at his hotel room because to a man that’s reasonable. He gets his night of thrills and then gets to go home and forget your name. (FYI, no I did not meet a man in his hotel for the evening, but don’t think that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been offered, and actually the guy who did make this proposition turned out to be a really nice guy who I’ve been friends with online for a few years now but, trust me, he is the exception to the rule.)

I truly DON’T think I’m picky. As you can read from my other blogs I’m willing to give most men the benefit of the doubt even though most of the men I’ve dated don’t deserve this. I think I’m pretty low maintenance. (Although I’ve never dated me so how would I really know?) What I can’t settle on is if you’re an idiot. Maybe you don’t know you’re an idiot. I know we all think we’ve turned out pretty good but trust me it won’t take long for me (or my friends for that matter) very long to figure it out. Which I guess is where the problem starts. So maybe I don’t settle quite as much as I am accused of and so maybe that does make me picky then. But really, when it comes down to it, I just want someone who makes me happy. Regardless of size, height or even whether or not he has hair. Isn’t that what everyone wants?

Guess I’ll just keep waiting and taking my chances with the next guy that comes that comes along that is brave enough to give me a try. Unless of course you know my tall, truck driving cowboy. In that case? Send him my way. I’ve got plans for him.