Drop the Baby Weight

Put most women near a baby and things are bound to happen. They “oooh” and “aaah”, they start talking about their biological clock, they want to hold the baby and take in all those powdery baby smells. Women are just hard wired to be like that. Right? Well that’s not me. Most people who have been around me long enough know that they’re just not my thing. (God help my children, I don’t know how they survived) They’re sticky and needy, plus I have this curse that EVERYWHERE I go there is always a crying baby (even when I went and applied to college, seriously, everywhere) and if you’re around me long enough you’ll live to hear me tell you that I don’t like babies until they’re at least 30.

I temporarily lost my mind and decided to go back to POF (Plenty of Fish) which if you don’t know is a free dating website since I am currently, sadly, unemployed. I always get a few looks, or winks or flirts, or whatever they’re called on that site. I eventually got one from Timmy. He looked familiar, and after a few messages back and forth we determined we had talked once or twice on a different site and it just didn’t go anywhere for whatever reason. We chat a little here and there and my unemployment predicament comes up. He mentions that he works for a large company in the area, asks me what kind of work I do and tells me that if he can get me hired he gets a nice little bonus so he’ll keep his eyes open.

Eventually a job that fits my skill set opens up and I apply. We again chat back and forth randomly, about the job, a little about our lives but not much else. It just doesn’t really take off. He follows up with me every once in a while to see if there is any progression with the job. I let him know that I did the initial online interview. A few weeks later I follow up with him by letting him know that I was turned down for the position and make sure to tell him that I appreciated the effort. At that point that was sort of the end of us chatting.

A few weeks later, out of the blue I get a call to come in for a second interview for the job. Awesome! So to be polite I text him to let him know. Well for some reason this sets a fire under his ass. I don’t know if he was just at a different point in his life, if he was suddenly lonely or the prospect of some cash coming his way from the bonus did it, but at this point he becomes full on interested in me. We start chatting pretty frequently, he asks when we can meet, there’s even a phone call. Finally!

During one of our texting sessions he asks if I would mind sending him a photo of myself to add to his phone. I’m happy to do so. I’m not one of these crazy selfie obsessed people but I do have a couple of random pics on my phone that I think are fairly decent. I pick one and send it on over. I of course ask him then to do the same. He says that he’s going to send me a pic of himself with one of his fetishes. Oh... great... I’m a pretty laid back gal. Not much bothers me. I assure him that like 90% of the shit people are into doesn’t bother me. I mean I may not necessarily be willing to participate but I’m willing to at least keep an open mind. He sends me the pic. Of him. In a diaper. Aaaaahhhhhhh FUCK. This gets my mind rolling and I want to know if he would mind if I ask a few questions. My first question is does he use the diaper for its intended purpose because if so I’m OUT! (Thankfully, he doesn’t) My next question is how did he get into that of all things? He tells me an ex couldn’t have kids so she pretended he was her baby and he wound up loving it. A few more details were exchanged, none particularly tragic, however when you don’t like babies when they’re small and cute... a bigger version, for me at least, is highly unsettling. He then wants to know when he can take me out. I figured if I put it off way out into the future maybe this baby thing will grow on me, or perhaps, disturb me less. No dice, he wants to go out the end of that week. I hesitantly agree.

The baby thing really eats at me though. I just don’t see myself ever, ever, ever getting into it and it was something that he mentioned was a pretty big part of his life. The day before the date I text him. I very politely explain to him that I am flattered that he was interested in me but I honestly didn’t see it going anywhere. I told him that I just didn’t want him to waste his time (or mine) or his money on a date when there wasn’t really a decent chance of this thing ever even getting off the ground. He responds “Have a nice life blimp” What? WTF? Are you fucking serious? First of all, YOU contacted my FAT ASS on the dating website where I have SEVERAL pictures of myself on there so men who view my profile know what they are getting themselves into. Second, I was actually honest and polite with you. Most other bitches would have just dicked you around and third do you REALLY want to piss off the chick you sent a picture of yourself IN A FUCKING DIAPER! We were friends on Facebook, I know where he works and as an additional little tidbit, I know where he goes to church.

At this point I still haven’t heard back about the job so I’ve decided to not put him on blast. Yet. However, revenge is a dish best served cold. I, under normal circumstances, would have never revealed his little secret to anyone had he just been nice. Although now, due to his INFANTILE behavior I guess it just DEPENDS on if I land this job whether I “accidentally” let that little photo somehow end up in some interesting places. Pissing off a woman is ALWAYS a bad idea…