Senior Moments

Old age. What exactly is THE number that decides you’re now old. If you ask me, it’s more of a state of mind. Take for instance, my new friend Bryce. He’s in his late 40’s but you would never know it by the way he acts.

It’s a Friday night when this story happens. My friend Jennifer and I decide that we’re going to hang out in her neighborhood, have a few drinks and see where the night might lead us. It just so happens to be the same neighborhood that Bryce lives in. I call him up and let him know that I’m going to be in the hood that evening and ask him if he wants to come hang out. He says yes and tells me to call him when I’m on my way in.

I get to Jennifer’s house and give him a ring. No answer. So my friends and I go on with our evening, hang out, watch some TV, shoot the shit, have a few beers, etc…, when Jen’s husband, Blaine, asks me where Bryce is. I tell him I have no idea. That I called him about 7:30 but he didn’t answer. So Blaine tries to call him too. He doesn’t get him to answer his phone either. This is pretty typical for Bryce to not answer his phone, or his door. Guess when this is your M.O. it gets people thinking. And thinking on a Friday night is not necessarily always a good thing.

So we continue to hang, and wait, and have a few drinks and wait. Nothing. Finally about 9 PM Blaine blurts out “this is ridiculous! It’s Friday night, where the hell is he? He’s probably passed out on us. We should go wake him up!” I tell Blaine HELL YEAH, I’m game, what do you have in mind? He tells me that he just so happens to have an air horn and asks me if I know where Bryce’s bedroom window is. “I sure do.” I tell him and so we hop in my car and head around the corner. So there we are, Blaine, Jennifer and myself in the dark, giggling like a bunch of school girls, tiptoeing around Bryce’s house. Blaine gets in prime position and lets the air horn rip! OMG, it’s sooooo loud. We’re practically jumping out of our skin and we knew it was coming. So of course we run back to the car and take off.

Not two minutes later Blaine calls Bryce to see if he’s awake now. He answers the phone. Jennifer and I can only hear one end of the conversation, but it’s freaking hilarious and we’re trying to keep ourselves from busting out laughing and getting ourselves caught.

Well the prank works. Bryce decides he’s awake now and is gonna come over. He walks in the door. Sits down and is pretty quiet for a few minutes. Then he asks me how long I’ve been at Blaine and Jennifer’s. I told him since about 7:30 when I called him. To where he says “Oh, really? Because the hood of your car is warm.” Damn! When did Bryce become a member of the CSI? And now is he going to decide I’m some kind of crazy stalker? I mean Bryce and I have just started to get to know each other. This could go really badly. Thankfully Blaine covers for me and tells Bryce that it was all his doing. Man I love my friends!

The retelling of the story comes up from time to time throughout the weeks but Bryce never suspects that I was involved. He pipes up here and there about some retaliatory plots against Blaine and we all get a kick out of that. Then this past weekend a whole big group of us are sitting around telling stories and the events of that night come up again. I’m encouraged to tell the story and me, not being one to pass up an opportunity to open my big mouth, start telling the tale. About halfway through the story Bryce looks over at me and says “Oh, so you were there too?” SHIT. I totally busted myself. Then he says “don’t think I won’t get you too.” Well, at least he had a good sense of humor about it.

As for me, guess I should have learned to respect my elders a long time ago. Some people never learn. And yes, I am one of those people.

Free Willy

Friends of exes. Have you ever heard a story that turned out good about someone who dated a friend of an ex? I haven’t. And guess what? This one is no different.

I met “Steven” when I was still married to my ex. We all used to hang out at a local bar/pool hall. It was a quiet little hole in the wall so it was easy to get to know the local yokels and become one yourself. One of the afternoons I decided to hang out at the bar, I came across Steven hanging near the pool tables. He asked where my ex was (who I was still together with at the time) and when I told him he was at home he asked me to call him and see if he would come up there and shoot some pool. So I did. I told my ex that Willy was at the bar & wanted to shoot some pool with him. The guy looked over at me and said what? My name is Steven. To which I replied well I don’t think you look like a Steven, I think you look like a Willy. He wasn’t real happy with that so he agreed he could live with me calling him Steven-Willy, and so I did.

A few months later I was in the middle of my divorce process and was alone for the weekend. It was shortly after Hurricane Charley and I was waiting on a guy to come get a pine tree off my house. He left me a message and let me know that he would call when he was on his way. I, not being one to just sit around the house, decided I would head up to the bar and wait on the tree guy. I mean after all it was a Sunday afternoon, football was on, it’s two minutes from my house and I had time to kill.

When I got up there Steven-Willy was there hanging like he always was. I sat at the bar and ordered a beer. It didn’t take long for him to wander over & start up a conversation. He asked about my soon to be ex and when I told him we were in the process of a divorce he seemed intrigued. He asked a few basic questions which I quickly answered and then he invited me to shoot some pool. We continued to talk, shoot pool and drink for most of the afternoon and into the evening when the conversation turned from innocent to not so innocent.

Well I guess the fact that I’m one to shy away from a sexual conversation got him hot and bothered and he told me to follow him home. And so I did. Shockingly, one thing led to another and the deed was done.

The next morning, I walk into work on time and with a big smile on my face. Let’s just say this is not my usual demeanor on a Monday morning. My friend sees me and blurts out. Oh my God. You got laid! “What? Holy shit! How the hell did you know that?” I guess it was the smug grin on my face which didn’t go away for a really long time. That was until my soon to be ex got wind of the whole situation. I guess when you frequent a small time establishment where alcohol is consumed, people talk. Not pretty. He wasn’t happy and really gave me hell, but since he had cheated on me for nine of the eleven years we were together, I wasn’t really concerned about his feelings on the whole subject. I did however want to get another piece of the action. Apparently Steven-Willy got read the same riot act from my ex and wasn’t nearly as willing to toss aside his objections.

Steven-Willy never called and when we both wound up at the bar at the same time, things just got awkward. Eventually the bar closed and I never saw him again. I know what you’re all thinking though. Whatever happened to the tree? When I got home that night after my romp with Steven-Willy, it was gone. I guess based on the disappearing act, the tree was a man too.

New York Cheese Flake

The Green Eyed Monster. What an interesting creature he is. I’ve never really understood the concept of jealousy in dating. You either want me or you don’t. And at the beginning of a budding relationship do we really have enough invested in each other to evoke this kind of strong emotion? I don’t think so, but not everyone shares my opinion.

Take Antonio. Another dating website drone. I had actually seen him previously on another website and he never even gave me the time of day. Which is why I was so intrigued when he instantly contacted me on the new dating website du jour. He told me that I was one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen on the website and was eager to get to know me. I was glad we were talking on line so he couldn’t see my eyes rolling.

We decided to meet on a Sunday so we could watch some football and eat some chicken wings at a bar. Within minutes he was trying to kiss me across the table. If he was totally hot maybe I wouldn’t have minded, but he wasn’t. I survived the date and he asked me on a second. I decided to give it another shot thinking maybe it was just nerves.

We went to a night club where I was watching people enjoying themselves on the dance floor. I had a few drinks and was having a good time when my date came up behind me and started doing a little grinding. Hey, the music was loud, the drinks were strong so I started dancing back. Antonio suddenly got weird(er) and wanted to leave. Okay? As soon as we get outside he freaks. Starts talking about how I didn’t even turn around, how I had NO idea who was behind me. What he didn’t know is that I haven’t been hit on in public, EVER, much less had someone rub themselves all over me. He tells me that he’s a very jealous person and doesn’t appreciate me acting like that.

Be jealous if someone is winking at me from across the bar. Be jealous if someone has smacked me in the ass. Be jealous when a swarm of Chippendale dancers have surrounded me and want to have their way with me but DON’T be jealous on a second date. Especially when the person your pissed about dancing with me, was you.

He thankfully stops calling so I don’t have to blow him off. Stops calling for awhile that is. When he finally starts calling again he tells me that his mother died & he went to New York to take care of the arrangements. That now that he’s home he wants to get back together with his girl since he’s lost everything else. Wow. I kinda feel like an ass.

I feel bad until during one of our calls he tells me that he wants to come and see me. To “be” with me before he has to leave for New York again. When I ask why he’s going back to New York he tells me that he has to go take care of his mom. What? Isn’t she dead? I didn’t really ask him because I sensed that I wasn’t going to get a straight answer anyway. I figured that this was just a not so clever scheme to get into my pants and that WASN’T going to happen. I decline his offer and wish him well on his new life up north.

A few weeks later I’m listening to a local talk show on the radio and I hear his unmistakable voice. Oh, I’m sorry did I mention that the talk show was LOCAL? As in NOT in New York? The funny thing is that he was talking about his cheesecake recipe. I don’t remember him ever mentioning he was a baker. He probably stole the recipe right out of his mother’s kitchen. She’d probably be so jealous knowing that he was sharing her secret recipes with everyone that she would roll over in her grave. That is if she really is dead. Guess I’ll never know