So I am certainly not once to dispense any meaningful dating advise. Especially since I can barely get a man to poke me with a ten foot pole much less want to lie next to me every night while I fall asleep. But I will tell you a few don’ts that I have personally learned and a few more tidbits of good advice that I have been given by friends. So on that note here is what I know. You can’t date me if…….
You call before the first date and ask if we can go Dutch.
You talk like Elvis, look like Hitler & call yourself “Batman”.
You tell me that you think my best friend’s daughter is “stunning”.
You send me random pictures of your penis without my asking.
You want to go out with me because I am a legal U.S. citizen and you need a green card.
You tell me that you love me by the second time we IM on Yahoo.
You call, text and leave me voicemails 37 times in one day.
You ask me if I would consider a threesome. With one of your family members.
You stand me up on our first date and get pissed off when I won’t give you a second one.
You tell me you want to have the “anal” discussion.
You can’t or won’t give me your phone number or home address.
You ask me when you get to my house if you can borrow some gas money.
You ask me if I would mind if your mom came along on our date because she doesn’t get out of the house nearly enough.
You aren’t of legal age to buy me a drink.
You have a great looking facebook photo but when we video chat you look completely different. My facebook photo is really me and current. Yours should be too.
Your armpits smell like rotten onions and your hair color can be found in a rainbow.
You ask me inappropriate questions about my children and their clothing.
You have been convicted of more felonies than years you have been alive.
I’m sure the list could go on and on. And I’m sure, as I’m forcibly continued to date because that special someone has not decided to show himself yet, the list will continue. On and on and on and on….. well you get the point. So here’s one last tidbit of advice. Ladies if the man you are dating has done any/all of the above, RUN. Men if you think any one or combination of these are acceptable. Don’t call me. I’ve got enough problems.
