I felt the twitch. The itch. The discomfort. No, it’s NOT an STD. I think I feel the end of my man-cation coming on. It was a lovely summer of not caring. Not subjecting my self to the perils of dating. Not torturing myself with the mental preparation of learning about a new person only to find out he’s a douche bag. But when I wake up in the morning and I realize that the warm body lying next to me in the bed is my dog, I feel the loneliness and I know that I don’t want to stay that way forever.
The problem is the first piece of advice that I get from everyone is to stop looking and it will happen! Honestly it makes me kind of nervous. I’ve been single so long now I don’t know how to not look. It’s like asking a tigress to not chase the gazelle, like asking the black widow spider to ignore the fly in its web, like asking me to not feel & grope in a dark room full of hot rednecks. It’s just un-natural.
All that put aside, I did put my profile back on one dating website. One that is specifically for BBW’s (Big Beautiful Women for those of you who aren’t aware) but promised myself that I wouldn’t pursue anyone just let them come to me. And come they do. From everywhere! I mean I’m not bragging, I’m sure any woman that posts her profile on a website catered to people that like her specific kind of body type, hobby, religion, interests, etc… would have men flocking to her too. I just think it’s crazy when I get “smiles” from Canada, Russia and Greece. I mean, I’m sure you’re lovely but I’m looking for a date not a pen pal.
So I’m excited when I get an email from someone fairly local, we set up a date and meet. He calls me to tell me he’s running late so I tell him I’ll wait in a bar that I know of until he gets there. After all it’s a first date and I’m nervous. Nothing like a shot of courage to cool the nerves.
He finally shows and he decides start the conversation by telling me he’s from a long line of alcoholics and he doesn’t drink. So now I feel like an ass. Way to put my best foot forward! So I try to change the subject. Find something that he does like so I can get him talking and get to know him better. The problem is that every time I ask him a question I hit a roadblock.
Smoke? No. Kids? No. Ever been married? No. Tattoos? No. Drugs? No. Pets? No. Roommates? No. Brothers or Sisters? No. Ever broke a bone? No. Surgeries? No. Jeez! I’m batting a thousand here! Play any instruments? “I played the Tuba in High School” I wasn’t touching that one…. What do you do for work? “I sell insurance” Seriously? OMG! I have just met the most boring man in the world! How did we even get to the point where we set up a date without me falling asleep? Clearly this was not going to work out.
So after a few more attempts on my part to talk about ANYTHING don’t work I decide to call it quits. He at least is a gentleman and asks if he can walk me to my car. I’m all for chivalry so I accept. He gets to my car and moves towards me like he is going to give me a hug. He’s much taller than me so I try to adjust myself to make it the least awkward as possible. Except he takes his arms, throws them over my shoulders and grabs onto my ass and just stands there. Doesn’t say a damn word. Doesn’t attempt to move around, offer an explanation, nada. Just friggin stands there. W-E-I-R-D!!! After what seems like an eternity in my brain trying to figure out what in the HELL is going on I somehow pry myself from out from under him and say goodnight.
I never did hear from him again. Which is good because he was SO boring that I can’t remember his damn name anyway. I might not want to be alone for the rest of my life but I certainly don’t want to hang out with somebody whose idea of a good time is watching paint dry.
