Online dating. What can I say about it. Yeah, I’ve tried it. Probably every site you can imagine and then some you can’t, because well, you’re probably normal. I get asked out from someone on a BBW website. (Big Beautiful Women for those uneducated skinny people out there) He’s fairly attractive, phone conversation doesn’t go horribly and he’s willing to drive to me. But he’s YOUNG. 27 actually, but I HATE sitting home alone on a Saturday night so I cave. Of course.
We decide to go to dinner and then go to Old Town and meet pretty much everyone I know on the planet. What was I thinking? Dinner goes fine. I decide to let him drive me to Old Town and hitch a ride back with my best friend. We’re in the car making casual conversation and out of nowhere he tells me I’m stunning. WHOA. That’s not something you hear every day, or in my case, ever. I’m swooning.
We get to where we’re going. Meet up with everyone, hang for a few and we all decide to head to the bar. During the time it takes to get there we continue talking, getting to know each other. "Ralph" then proceeds to tell me that my best friend’s daughter is stunning. Strike One. I tell him he’s digging his own grave and that he can’t’ be on a date with me and tell me someone else is stunning. At this point I’m sure I look as offended as I am. He then tells me that he meant to say she’s beautiful and I’m stunning. Not working. We get to the bar and while he's off getting me a drink and I mention to the table that my date thinks that Wendy’s daughter is stunning. BAD IDEA! Once he gets back some suggestive comments are made at the table towards Ralph about this.
Ralph, I come to find out has the type of personality that he’s not just going to let these comments slide and decides that he’s going to confront my best friend about the comments when we get outside. This does not go well. He then tells me he’s going to take a walk to calm down. Well I guess it was a really long walk because he never does come back. He does leave several messages apologizing profusely on my voicemail. But I don’t get until the next day because my cell phone is dead. Somehow after all of this I feel bad that the evening got screwed up and I wind up going out on a few more dates with him.
After dinner & drinks one evening we decide to go back to my house and watch a movie and maybe get to know each other a little better. After a few minutes of kissing he excuses himself…… to vomit. He pukes EVERYWHERE. Several times. Toilet, floor, bathroom rug, and yes even the walls and then proceeds to pass out until 3 AM when he then dashes for the door. Strike Two.
Once again he calls apologizes profusely and promises that if I go out with him he’ll show me a really good time. I hesitantly agree.
We once again go for dinner and drinks. During the time we’re at the restaurant my youngest daughter calls and asks if I will bring her something home to eat. I agree and ask the waitress to put a burger to go on a separate check. Ralph then tells her to go ahead and put my drinks on the check too and he’ll pay for the dinner. WHAT? You fucking cheap bastard. This is the good time you promised me? You vomit all over my house and you can’t even pick up the whole check for the evening? It’s not like we’re at the Ritz, we’re at a frickin Chili’s for cryin out loud AND it’s happy hour. What happened to my REALLY good time? Strike Three, you’re OUT!
At the end of the evening I kiss him goodbye and bring the burger home to my kid. At least she can keep a meal down. So maybe........ the night didn’t wind up to be as crappy as I thought.
